My hijab

 Wherever i step people look , some look questioning, others admiring while still some others stare and give a double look؛ they may like it in their inner self and envy you , while they comment on what use does hijab have ? Many memories i have with my hijab ...although i didnot wear full hijab till i was in my mid twenties , however i wore headcover , i wont say it is hijab , when i was in my late teens , it was mainly a small scarf a bandanna in fact , and i used to wear pants and somehow long tops over them .. that was in the seventies where people rarely knew about islam and media didnot spark yet ,,, i wore it because my parents and husband preferred not because i wanted ,,, .. Wearing this small head piece as my mom thought , will help me in learning my religion and achieving better knowledge hence better fulfilments of prayers , fasting , etc...to my mom , who learned about islam at a late age made her push me towards praying and wearing hijab early, her mom was illiterate and didnot know islamic practices , and mama hung out with her christian friends , even celebrating their easter and attending church services for good friday ,,, so mama really enjoyed and wanted badly to learn about islam and she found a good educated mother in law ready to help ! After marriage mama wore a head scraf and learned how to pray , but still after the lebanese civil war she attended special islamic literacy lectures for adults that were held regularly in the Azhar ,, and from here she started her new life . As for me i kept putting the bandanna head cover because it was not a scarf really , and wher i was living after marriage in iowa city all people did as sun protection , mama kept reminding me in letters and on phone to wear proper decemt clothes to fix my head cover , when in the same time my husband told me to take it off if i donot want ! Till one day i go a call from international students office that if i can arrange a meeting with a professor who is interested in islam , an appointment wa set and he came to my house to visit , felt embarrased i could not answer many of his questions , he knew more than i did , sice then i felt pity for myself , this stranger wanted to learn badly about my religion , he felt i have a treasure, and i never gave it a minute to look at it and learn about it , so i set a goal to learn at least to be able to answer someone , if not for my life and sake , and since en i started to dress better and decided to learn and read books ! I managed to fix my head scarf , and i improved my way ofdressing , i used to put on some elbow length sweaters so i shifted to long sleeves , i started to wear dresses long dresses or long tops over my jeans , i started to attend lectures to study some Fiqh to learn about the five pillars of islam , i learned many truths and i learned , and noticed and felt that there is a war against islam and muslims ,,, i learned islam gave women many rights but people didnot care to give them to muslim women , i learned that in islam men and women are equally rewarded and equally punished for any deed or fault , there are no differentiation between males and females , on the contrary women were given more rights but no one cared to abide .islam was being misconcepted or mishandled and mispracticed by many muslims , thats why people ignorant about islam feel it is a faulty religion .. In fact Islam is a way of life , it is life ... I fixed my headscarf better and wore a jilbab and i felt pride in my dress code .. For the sake of this code i improved many of my behaviours , stopped backtalking, treated people as i like to be treated, obeyed my parents more willingly and more happily, cared better for my husband and children , tried to be a better person , and did my best to encourage my family to be a super islamic family because this is islam , of course i can still be better woman and i am trying my best and so is my family and my greater family , we are all working to raise better kids , who are proud to be muslims and who abide by islamic doctrines as possible as can be , helpful to others .. Hijab in fact improved my way of thinking and my way of being in a society ,, hijab was really a good step to reach out for all, and it proved that hijab is a cover for head but it is an openness of mind and relations ,, May Allah guide us to what is best for the Ummah .

Mayo

Mayo

Today was her thirty fourth birthday ...

Thirty four solar years and thirty five plus some days lunar one , 

It was the first day of  Eid al Fitr ,  ,, 7 days after my due date , a Sunday ,,,at Barbir Hospital , with some clashes heard away near Mathaf frontier line , the line dividing the city in two sections western and eastern regions , Takbeerat Al Eid were heard in my room that gave me energy to help me in my delivery ... A newborn  who will be born with  the first dawn  after Ramadan  ,,,  may be a boy , may be a girl ,, at midnight i left home for the hospital , Sadia was ready to be with Heba , i  got ready her Eid  dress, and her Eid basket , a small basket filled with sweet stuff, from Lebco supermarket in barakat building . I put on my red dress, i was embarrassed to put it on on Saturday , the daybefore, when Hajj Ali Jamal passed away, my neighbor , but it was the only one that still fits  , in the hospital were some other ladies giving births too, the nurse weighed me i was 68 kgs  ... And she called thedoctor who said will come in the morning ,,, i didnot feel any contractions when i went but the amniotic fluid burst out ,  so i hurried to hospital .there she were a girl 3 kgs just like her sister Heba , fair to dark skin , black hair ,, she was  enegetic ,,, we decided on the name MAY .. Though she was born in september . My uncle said people may call her Muy ( meaning water ) but still we kept the name but we wrote it in arabic with a long vowel sound of Alef so it was distinguished just as the baby was distinguished ,,, 

May was my first baby in Lebanon,  so she was dearlyexpected , Heba was almost four years , and still no kids in the family except for Aidas kids who were old already . Even in the building and in my grandfathers side she was the second grand kid after Heba , so my cousins also were waiting for her ,, 

I remember they served mlookiye for lunch in hospital on Eid day and some Mammool , mama and khalto came over directly around seven just when she was born ,,, and i was discharged from hospital the same day , Sunday evening because i was scared to stay overnight in this hospital far from ras Beirut with the situation not that good ! dr. Adel Aliya  was my Obstetrician , a surgeon who performed a surgery for my aunt and didnot charge much as Abed didnot start his job yet ,, 360 lebanese liras we paid which was cheap , where as Dr May Ariss an OB who was famous specially coz she wa female wanted 1000 l.l. When i visited her but didnot keep up with her ! 

Many babies were born whom i knew and were neighbors, Maha Riyad Itani was two weeks older than may , her mom Feryal was my school friend and they lived just in the next bldg with their balcony facing ours , then was Maya Chehab , also a neighbor in nearby building ,  on sept 8 or 9 i guess , and Rania Hareessa also in the same building on the third floor ,  on the same day  as Maya ..

May was an active child , she was colicky , every night from 10 till 2 pm till she was almost 40 days we had to hear her voice , abed used to carry her ,we made almonds sachets with sugar  which was customary ,  ...May Was named  by her grandma Inaam who liked the name but didnot get the chance to give it to one of her daughters so she suggested it and Malak , i liked Maybetter because it us short and new even though it was a very old fashioned name the new version was Maya .... 

I remember May , nowc, how we loved her  very much as if we didnot have any children , my neighbor Hajje kept told me that if a mom loved her kid a little more than what god allowed her she will swallow up her kids ,,, she told me this when i waschanging mays diaper and i kissed her buttocks m i wasnot aware she would notice , an elderly lady , so she gave me this note and i really keep reminding myself and my daughters of it ,,, May was smart and witty and was always carried and seen with my brothers and their friends and my cousins ,,, in the store own with my parents , we used to sit around the corner of myfathersstore wher we would put her in a box , and she would watch sunset in the see , or one of the kids would hold her and carry her around ! 

Once she was busy , then we discovered she was scooping tide detergent into the barrel of shortening which was liquidy because of the summer heat ,, we through the shortening with detergent and my father didnot throw a word he was happy with May and blamed us , mama and mefor notcovering the pil well.. saadiya has her adventures with May too , she would clean the floor and mop it then shefibds may stepping on purpose to make prints and see Saadiya get mad ...may had very sly looking eyes , whenever we read a story any story she would act it as shehears the sentences , with cinderella she mops she dances , with layla and the wolf she acts like the wolf then she is a wood cutter ,,, 

At school she was bright and good but also very daring ,  Miss Samia tells when she told her " i dont  like to see your face "  . may always wanted to be a teacher , she holds a stick and wears the scarf and high heel shoes and pretends ,,,she watches herself in the mirror in the hall.. She was always the first  in her class and we were proud of her!  

May won a computer  when she was in brevet from inmaa , she was happy and we were too ,,may after Heba passed away was completely different she grew up not as vivid as she was but still bright and special and responsible ,,, in many means she is a copy of me soecially in her worrisome manners ! She became as our first born after Hebas death .. We were always worried about her dont be late , do this do that , specially in her university years , way different she was from eman or bayn and were different too ,,, 

Now May a mom she is living the experience ,, but please forgive us if were harsh on you but it is all because we love you and we care , to you all my kids we love you a d still worry  about youall and care  sooooo, so we are harsh and strict in ways , do forgive us and keep us in your prayers and thoughts . 

Lovmom

Mira

miss you Mira, i miss your presence and your help , although you bothered some lately .......I miss  you more as you remind me of mama ! I remember the first time i met you, it was in the grocerystore, i never forget the look in your eyes , brisk but frightened , worried about the unknown , about your destiny and about your destination , where will you reside ? I remember your black worn backpack that was attached to you as if it was a baby whose mom wont let go of him . I dont like the way i got to know you , it made feel like the men in stories who pick up slaves and handle them as bundles . I looked at you , standing still while mr. saaed the dealer comented : true you are paying much but she is the best you could get , she knows arabic, and cooks well and has experience , she will do well, but never let hergo anywhere alone, a toothbrush, shampoo bottle, 2 outfits, a call home every month and thats it ... It reminded me of how to care for a machine , grease and oil it every month and it will work well . And as he turned to mira , he continued , mama will not beat you , you work as she tells you . " beat you, i never beat any body , my hand will hurt ! I murmured......Mira , i never forget how you looked at me , from top to toe , you tried to fake a smile , then we started out together , !My first impression ! You made me wonder why you dont walk straight , i didnot know that you limb , and your hands patting your tummy as if you were in pain but i didnot show my worry because you were under trial , yes people also we can try them , if you didnot match my needs i can return you for another , oh it stinks , are we talking about people or stuff ,,,,,,I remember how they greeted you at home , the kids , everyone looked checking and commenting as if you are a piece of stuff , and you also looked worrying who are all those ? Am i supposed to be their thing ? You behaved strange.y , and i have never had a maid before , i have read in books how whites and slaves went together , the upperlook from us on blacks in general and on slaves in particular , on the other hand , i remembered howthey teach us at school that no difference between a black and a white only in deeds ...We both had difficulty adjusting to get to know eachother but alhamdulillah it was just the first week , just like openning a bottle of juice , it is hard to get the cap off in order to taste the juice , but then thanks the juice tasted great ,We all laughed when you told us you were hiding your precious things in your tummy under your shirt , you had the cause to , thats why you limbed so the stuff doesnot fall and you patted your tummy all the time to make sure things are safe ... Precious things were your familypics and your small bible ? Truely precious , your familyand yourbeliefs , not money as people think !mira , you liked your nickname , but i liked your true name much more , Nirmala , meaning a flower in your language , ... Mira you made us all learn a lot from you , it made us all at home wonder how there are people so poor around the world , we thought they existed in stories and on TV .. You made us appreciate how to save a bite, a paper , a remenant fabric, a plastic bag , or an empty jar , you taught us how to make good use of our garden , plant any seed , you taught Us recycling and environmental care . We needed these lessons . We sure didnot feel with your people and the poor as we should , we are bossy mira, i guess money makes people bossy , here in our part of the globe we really are careless and greedy !nirmala, i remember this last moment i saw you exactly as the first , Your eyes were brisk but with sadness this time not with fear , but i never expected to see you crying hard just for leaving us ,i thought you would be happy to go back to your family , you were all dressed up with that black suit and holding your black purse,the red bow on your hair , your baggage was rolling infront of you and the extra baggage that we paid for , you wanted to take a small somthing from this holy magic land to your poorfamily , and you were walking uprigght straight, your precious things now are in your hand bag , the same small bible , same old family pitures , but now you have more precious things : the indian version of the quran plus a CD that has pictures of our family ... Such a difference ..... the two looks !Nirmala i wonder what look do you have in your eyes now , i know you cannot call , the money to call can spare a life there , and maybe because youdont live in khitmandou but much farther where barely anyone cares to go , but who knows we might someday ,,, may god guide you and your family